My Crazy InLaws
by turquoisefox
Summary: Ever wondered what might happen if Kratos and Raine married? What if Lloyd and Sheena were married, too, and Genis was stuck with all of them? Told through Genis's diary, rating just to be safe.
1. Life with Weird People

A/N: Ever wonder what would happen if Raine and Kratos got married? What would happen to Lloyd and Genis? You're about to find out. I like the Kratos/Raine pairing ok, but I also like making fun of things. Also, the entries in Genis's diary aren't dated because I don't know what kind of calendar they use in Sylvarant.

Disclaimer: The only thing I own here is my own twisted imagination.

Entry #1

My family is weird. Just being related to my sister, Raine, gives me enough reason to say that, but how many other people do you know who have 4,000-year-old angels for brother-in-laws?

When Raine married Kratos, I knew things were going to get strange. With Kratos as my brother-in-law, that makes his son, Lloyd (my best friend) my nephew. The joke is, Lloyd is five years older than me. Not only am I living with them now, but Lloyd just got married to a ninja named Sheena. I'm the only person in this house who isn't feeling all lovey-dovey. It's making me a bit sick. On the bright side of things, I have my own room for the first time in my life. I'd better go for now. If Raine comes in and finds out I'm not studying, I'm in trouble. I think I'm starting to act like Lloyd...

Entry #2

I hear fighting downstairs. From the sounds of things, Raine is trying to "help" Sheena make dinner. I hope Sheena succeeds in throwing her out of the kitchen. Last time Raine made dinner, we all ended up dumping our bowls of stew in the potted fern in the dining room, then sneaking out looking for something edible. I'm surprised the fern is still alive. Uh-oh, that's not good. I thought I heard dishes breaking. I hope they both come out of this alive. Only in my family does cooking become a war.

Later...

Lloyd is hiding out in my room. I'm not sure who's mad at him this time, or why, and he won't tell me. I'm not complaining, though. Lloyd brought up some of his junk food stash, so right now the two of us are stuffing our faces with cookies. With five people in one house, it's a little difficult to have anything to yourself. I understand perfectly, since I have to share a bathroom with Raine and Kratos. One night, I got up to use the bathroom, and I guess Kratos was doing the same thing. Only problem was that Kratos was naked. Nobody (besides Raine) should EVER have to see that. I ran back into my room, screaming. The next day, Raine made him get a bathrobe. I still can't block the bad mental picture, though.

Entry #3

I guess Sheena finally kicked Raine out of the kitchen, since dinner was pretty good last night. Sheena made her special pineapple curry, and it didn't taste like Raine had added anything to it. Lloyd told me once Raine wanted to go to cooking school. I wonder whatever happened to that idea. I'd be glad to pay for it myself if there was any way Raine's cooking could be improved. I think I'll go talk to her about it.

Later:

My big mouth always gets me in trouble. I told Raine that she'd better not cook for Kratos unless she wants to be a widow, so she smacked me. I guess marriage hasn't changed her at all. I wish I could find the Wonder Chef, though. Maybe he could give her cooking lessons. Or maybe Regal, but he's busy in Altamira. I should still ask him next time he comes to visit. I've tried teaching her on several occasions, but it always seems to end up with me getting smacked.

Entry #4

Since Kratos and Raine got married, we've been living in Luin. It's nice, and certainly more exciting than Iselia, but the people here annoy us sometimes. When they recognize that we're the ones who helped fund the restoration of the city, they get excited and swarm around us. Kratos has to act like a bodyguard sometimes to get people to leave us alone. To make things worse, the "Raine Fan Club" seems to have moved here, too. I don't understand why a scholar/teacher/healer would have a fan club in the first place. I think Kratos gets jealous, because he started yelling and chased them away. I asked him about it, and of course he denied it. I also question the intelligence of a city that builds statues of Lloyd and Raine. Not to mention the fact it's creepy to go outside and see statues of your family members staring back at you. The other day I saw a pigeon sitting on the Lloyd statue's head. For some reason, it seemed fitting, as if to say that Lloyd's head is so empty that pigeons sit on it and he doesn't notice. Ahhhh! HEEELP! Lloyd's been reading over my shoulder and he isn't too happy about what I wrote. He gave me the dreaded "Noogie Attack of Doom." I'll have to find a safer place to write after the soreness in my head goes away.

Entry #5

Things are definately going to get weirder starting....now. It was Raine who delivered the news at breakfast this morning, and I don't know who was more shocked-Lloyd or me. Funny how just four words signaled a change in our lives forever, isn't it? Then again, the four words were "We're having a baby." I'm now officially terrified. As if Raine's temper isn't bad enough, now she's pregnant. Lloyd and I think maybe we should go into hiding for about the next nine months. Just the thought of a pregnant Raine scares me. I've heard women in can be unpredictable, and I don't intend to spend the next nine months in a body cast. I wonder if Regal needs help in Altamira...?


	2. Raine Acts Strange, Lloyd Acts Stupid

A/N: Thanks to everybody who reviewed. I think I'm going to take Kitten Kisses's advice and at least put in a time of day. I forgot to mention this takes place a few years after the game, but I think you've probably figured that out already. I do intend to bring in the rest of the ToS cast eventually.

Entry #6

Afternoon

I think Raine's weird pregnancy behavior has already begun. After lunch, I noticed her crying like a little kid for no apparent reason. Poor Sheena was trying to comfort her and not having any luck. I asked Sheena what it was about later, and she said something about Raine is worried she's going to get fat and Kratos will think she's ugly. Who abducted my sister and replaced her with this crazy woman? Raine never worried about her appearance like this before. I hope Sheena and Lloyd decided to wait for awhile to have children. The last thing I need is to live with _two_ moody women. Wait, they're both already moody. Never mind.

After dinner

I found Kratos going through some huge boxes in the front hall. I asked him what was in them.

Me: Hey Kratos, what's in those boxes?

Kratos: Stuff I managed to salvage from Derris-Kharlan.

Me: What was there that you wanted to keep?

Kratos: Dunno yet. That's why I'm going through these boxes.

Me: So you just threw random things in boxes and brought them back here?

Kratos: Basically, though Yuan packed some of them. There's no telling what's in here.

Me (digging through box): Why would you need this? (holds up old pair of pants)

Kratos: I don't. Must be something Yuan threw in there.

Me: You want to keep Martel's dress? (holds up pink dress)

Kratos: Um.....that's er....not Martel's. That's Mithos's.

Me: WHAT?

Kratos: It's best you don't ask. Could you open that other box?

Me: Ok. (opens box full of old books) You want these?

Kratos: Not really. I've read them all.

Me: You know, Raine loves old books. Maybe she'd like to take a look?

Kratos: Good idea. It might make her feel better.

Me: She still moping around upstairs?

Kratos: I'm afraid so. Why don't you bring these to her?

So that's how I ended up walking into the lion's den, so to speak. Raine was really happy about the books, and everything would have been fine if I hadn't opened my big fat stupid mouth. I just _had_ to ask if, since she likes old things so much, did she enjoy being married to a living artifact? I had to leave the room quickly, to avoid the torrent of flying objects.

Entry #7

Next day, morning

I woke up to some pretty unpleasant sounds coming from the bathroom. From what I gather, Raine has what Sheena referred to as morning sickness. I went to ask if she was all right, just to show there were no hard feelings from last night. She said that since Kratos was snoring and she couldn't go back to sleep, she might as well make breakfast. This could get ugly.

After breakfast

The last thing I wrote was so right it scares me. Raine attempted to make waffles and only succeeded in starting a fire. I managed to put it out with Aqua Blade, but do I get any thanks? No, I just got in trouble for flooding the kitchen. I'm hiding from everyone on the porch, trying to study. It's not working, because Lloyd keeps distracting me with his griping. From the sounds of things, he stayed out too late last night, so Sheena made him sleep on the couch. He keeps complaining about a sore back. He says next time he's taking over my bed and I'll be the one to sleep on the couch. Ha. Not gonna happen. Uh-oh, I have to go. Raine's yelling something that sounds like "Get back in here and mop up this kitchen!"

Afternoon

Some days I feel like running away, but I have no idea where I'd go. Someplace where the kitchen doesn't smell like burnt waffles would be a good start. When I was talking to Lloyd, my voice cracked a couple of times, and he's been making fun of me all day. He keeps pinching my cheeks and talking about how "our widdle Genis is gwoing up!" He's starting to piss me off majorly. If he doesn't stop, I may be forced to use his toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor. That's not why feel like running away, though. It's living with these weirdos in general. I don't know how much longer my sanity can endure.

Entry #8

Late morning

I don't know if Lloyd is trying to compensate for the years he had no family besides Dirk, or if he's just being stupid and annoying. Knowing Lloyd, I'd say the second option is more likely. I was trying to read, and he jumped up in my lap.

Lloyd: Will you read to me, Uncle Genis?

Me: You know how to read. Get your own book.

Lloyd: But you're my uncle! Can't you spend time with me?

Me: What are you talking about? I spend time with you every day. And you know I don't like you calling me "Uncle Genis."

Lloyd: But I've never had an uncle before!

Me: Go bother someone else.

Next thing I know, I hear Kratos fussing at Lloyd. Apparently, Lloyd took my advice literally, and now he's bugging his dad because they never played catch together. Ow...Lloyd just went flying through the air into the hallway. I guess that's Kratos's idea of playing catch with his son. He's probably going to bother Raine next, since Sheena's out shopping for groceries. Lloyd just accidentally called her "Professor" again, ever though she's asked him not to repeatedly ever since she married Kratos. (Never mind the fact he's been out of school for a couple of years now.) I've heard kids accidentally call their teacher "Mom," but I've never heard of anyone calling their mother (or in Lloyd's case, stepmother) "Teacher." Once Sheena comes home, he'll probably annoy her, too, just so he'll have irritated everyone in the house today.

Afternoon

I hear splashing and slamming coming from the bathroom down the hall. That can only mean one thing-Lloyd's taking a bubble bath. I don't know why a twenty-year-old man would be taking a bubble bath, no doubt with his rubber ducky and little toy boats, but then again, this _is_ Lloyd, after all. He's been acting like an immature idiot all day. I wonder if he drank too much coffee this morning at breakfast.

A few minutes later

I went into the bathroom to assess the damage. The floor is even more flooded than yesterday when I used Aqua Blade in the kitchen. From the looks of things, Lloyd filled the bathtub to the top and used about half a bottle of Sheena's bubble bath. She's going to be very upset. There are globs of bubbles everywhere, and it looks like Lloyd's toy boats have been shipwrecked all over the bathroom. If I get fussed at for using Aqua Blade in the kitchen, he should get a worse scolding for this.

Entry #9

Next morning

Kratos seems to have stopped trying to be such a badass ever since he and Raine have been together. He still lectures Lloyd sometimes, but he actually tries to show his caring side. He even hugs us all. Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to the mercenary/Cruxis angel we knew, but I guess it's not a bad change having Kratos become a family man. He's been really gentle with Raine, especially now that he knows she's pregnant. I'm glad they're happy, but the mushiness is starting to get sickening (especially when I leave the room to get away from it, only to find Lloyd and Sheena smooching in the next room). Right now, Raine is lying across Kratos's lap, and he's rubbing her back. At least it's not the foot massage again. Last week, I saw Kratos giving Raine a foot massage, which wouldn't be so bad except he kept kissing her toes. Ugh. I just hope her feet were clean.

I need to go by the weapon shop to get my kendama fixed. I left it in a chair last night, and someone sat on it and broke it. I don't know who it was, and nobody has confessed. What I DO know is that I cut myself shaving this morning (I'm still not very good at it), and if Lloyd doesn't stop laughing at me, I'm going to take that razor and shave his head tonight while he's asleep. Speaking of Lloyd, just like I thought, Sheena was pretty annoyed when she came home and found what Lloyd did to the bathroom, especially since he was too lazy to clean it until she started yelling. I thought I was being funny when I asked her what she ever saw in Lloyd, but she just gave me a dirty look. Sheena's dirty looks are almost as scary as the Kratos Death Glare. I swear, when Kratos is irritated, he gives looks that could melt stone. Last time I was on the receiving end of the Kratos Death Glare, I had found him and Raine cuddling. I started pretending to gag, and he heard me and gave me the Death Glare. Raine gave me a pretty nasty look too, but the Angry Big Sister Look is nothing compared to the Kratos Death Glare.

Afternoon

Raine's maternal instincts are starting to kick in, and she's treating me like a little kid. She keeps trying to hold me and play with my hair. I told her I'm not three years old any more, but I guess I was a bit harsh in the way I said it, because she almost started crying. I felt guilty and ended up letting her baby me for a little bit. I heard her mumble something about "damned hormones," so I'm assuming this isn't a permanent change in her behavior. She started again with the mother routine later, and now Lloyd and I are hiding in his bedroom closet. She's been chasing us with a comb trying to make our hair "look neat." It's dark and uncomfortable in here, and I can't write very well. My words are

probably

going all

over

the page.


	3. Yuan Makes an Appearance

A/N: Glad you're all enjoying this. Since the "Mizuho language" appears to actually be Japanese, I'm working with that idea here. My apologies for Yuan's OOC-ness, but it sure was fun writing it. Oh, and for whoever asked, it's three years after the end of ToS. Genis is fifteen.

Entry #10

After lunch

Lloyd has built a forge in a shed behind the house. I'm glad he has something to do, but I'm afraid the neighbors are going to complain about the noise. It's already bothering me plenty. I don't know what he's making out there, but I'm a little scared to ask. Yesterday he decided to "customize" (as he put it) our silverware. What he ended up doing was deforming it beyond recognition. He must have made a few mistakes with his metalworking, because I know forks aren't supposed to bend backward at a 90-degree angle. If he doesn't stop that awful banging RIGHT NOW, I'm going to......

Later

I didn't get to finish that last sentence because I couldn't stand the banging any more. I went out to Lloyd's forge and told him to do his metalwork quietly. It didn't work. He just threw me out of his shed and started banging away again. Maybe metalworking just isn't something that can be done quietly.

Entry #11

Mid-morning

Raine and Kratos are trying to come up with a name for their baby. So far, they haven't thought of anything. Nobody else has, either. Lloyd keeps insisting if it's a boy, they should name him "Steve." I'm not sure if he's being serious or just trying to irritate them, but "Steve Aurion" doesn't sound like a good name at all. Sheena suggested choosing a name from the language of Mizuho. I think the name she came up with was "Kitsune." That means "fox." I said that name reminded me of Corrine. Lloyd suggested "Baka." Unfortunately, that means "stupid." Sheena started yelling at him about how could he even consider naming a child that? I can't think of anything. Kratos wants to use Raine's maiden name as the child's first name. "Sage Aurion" doesn't sound too bad, but I don't think Raine really likes the idea. Uh-oh, big mistake. Lloyd said if it's a girl, they should name her after our mother. Raine basically exploded. Lloyd should know better than to bring up that subject with her.

Afternoon

Raine's taking the whole motherhood thing a bit too far. Now she's trying to learn to knit. Notice I said "trying." She's trying to knit a baby blanket, but it looks more like a tangled mass of yarn at the moment. Sheena isn't doing much better. She decided she wanted to help, but it's like the blind leading the blind. Neither of them know what they're doing. The whole project seems hopeless. Right now, they've tangled the yarn around a chair somehow, and Raine just stabbed herself with a knitting needle. I hope they either get better at this or buy clothes and blankets from the shops in town, or else that's going to be one cold baby.

Entry #12

Around lunchtime

I'm seriously hoping Raine and Kratos have a daughter, because the boys' names they've come up with are pretty awful.First she suggested "Kloitz," after our father. Kratos said that poor child would be called "Klutz" his whole life. Personally, I wonder if my grandparents were drunk when they chose that name for their son. Then Raine came up with "Boltzmann" after the famous healer. That's almost as bad, or maybe worse than "Kloitz." Next thing you know, she'll want to name her child "Cleo" for the ancient Balacruf-dynasty king. I think that sounds like a girl's name. Poor kid hasn't even been born yet and I already pity him/her.

Evening

I can't believe this. I'll try to record everything that was said and done as accurately as possible. We were enjoying a peaceful (or at least as peaceful as things get around here) supper, when somebody started banging on the door. Before anyone could answer it, Yuan decided to just let himself into the house. (Looks like somebody forgot to lock the door.) Right away, we could all tell he was drunk. He sort of staggered in, grinning like an idiot, then plopped himself in a chair and helped himself to a plate of food. I thought at first Kratos had invited him, but he looked just as surprised (and disgusted) as the rest of us. Yuan waved at him and started talking very loudly, slurring most of his words. I couldn't understand most of what he was saying. Kratos got angrier by the moment until he basically burst.

"YUAN! What are you doing in my house!" he shouted, probably so loud the neighbors could hear.

Yuan sort of smirked at him. "Heeey, Kratos. Whaaaaa's goin' on with yoooou? Who are theeeese people?"

Kratos glared. "You know perfectly well who they are."

"Ooooh yeaaah, your son and his dumb friends. Hey Lloyd! Long time, no seeee!"

Lloyd didn't say anything. He just looked at Yuan like he was stupid.

"I'll thank you not to call my family 'dumb,'" Kratos said coolly.

"Faaamily? Huh?"

"Raine and I are married now, remember? You were at the wedding. I suppose you're probably too drunk to remember your own name right now, though."

It was then that Yuan got really stupid.

"I can flyyyy!" he declared, climbing on top of the table.

"Well, yeah," Sheena commented. "You're an angel. You have wings. Of course you can fly."

"I can fly withoooout wingsss!" he insisted, jumping off the table. He forgot, or maybe refused, to use his wings and crashed into the wall, leaving a dent rivaling anything Colette could produce. Instead of acting like he was hurt, Yuan started laughing like a maniac. Then he started singing.

"Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of beeeeeer! Take one down, pass it around..."

"YUAN! SHUT UP!" Kratos shouted, smacking him upside the head. "If you're going to stay here, you'll have to behave yourself.

"I loves you, Kratooos," he said, hugging an irritated-looking Kratos.

"Get off of me, you freak!"

"Okay," Yuan said cheerfully. He got off of Kratos all right, but then he decided to sit on Raine's lap. "Heey, sweetie. Can I have a hug?" He gave her this really ridiculous grin.

Kratos was furious at this point."YUAN! GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE!" Raine was just as angry, because she dumped Yuan off her lap, got out of her chair, and came back with her deck brush. Even though I've seen her use it as a weapon, the fact remains that it's a broom. She'd been using it to sweep the kitchen floor, so it was the most convenient thing to use to hit Yuan. And boy, did she hit him.

"Yuan!" she screeched. "You've worn out your welcome. Get out....NOW!" She began beating him senseless with the broom-in the head, on the butt, and anywhere else she could get in a hit. Not only did she chase him out of the house, she continued down the street, still trying to swat him with the broom. I really hope nobody saw it. There are enough people in the world who think my sister is crazy. The last thing we need is for her to get arrested or something.

Entry #13

Afternoon

I think after Yuan left our house, he must have been bothering someone else, because Kratos had to bail him out of the local jail. I don't know what he got arrested for, and I'm not sure I want to know. If he comes back, I'm going to sic Noishe on him. At least, I would if Noishe was any good as a guard "dog." Noishe is too friendly. If someone broke into our house, he'd probably just lick the intruder's face and wag his tail. Whenever someone's cooking, we like to leave the windows open to let out the smoke, but the problem is, the smell attracts Noishe. This morning, Sheena left a pie cooling on the counter, and we all returned from grocery shopping (and getting Yuan out of prison), it was gone. I think Noishe must have stuck his head in the window and stolen the pie. He's big enough to reach the counter if he does that. Sheena caught him red-handed (or red-faced, actually) since he had cherry filling all over his mouth. I think she's ready to turn him over to Raine for dissection.


End file.
